LETTING GO THE ANGER

LETTING GO THE ANGER

It is normal to feel disappointed and angry when things do not unfold as we would expect or like, however, holding on to anger over something that occurred in our past can interfere with our present and holding on to anger leads to resentment. And resentment takes up emotional energy and allows negativity to creep into our present relationships and activities.

Common ineffective strategies for dealing with anger:

We run the risk of holding on to anger when we ineffectively deal with our anger in the present. Unfortunately, many people have not had the opportunity to develop positive and constructive strategies for handling anger. Instead, they turn to ineffective strategies such as:

• Avoidance (You have to talk about it) - avoiding feelings of anger by not talking about what angers them or trying to push angry thoughts out of their minds.
• Punishing Others - dealing with anger indirectly through 'punishing' the person they are angry with. Punishment can take many forms such as sulking, holding a grudge, or not talking to the person or an indirect way by 'getting even'.
• Attacking - is a direct approach but counter-productive as anger is expressed using an aggressive tone or accusatory remarks.

Dealing with anger constructively involves communicating our feelings honestly and in a way that will not intentionally hurt the other person.

When there isn't a happy ending:

There are times that even when we use a positive approach to dealing with anger, we may not get the results that we would like. Our positive efforts may not resolve the situation or restore the relationship. Although this may be disappointing, speaking our real feelings can give us the peace of mind that comes from acting true to our self and doing all that we could.

Letting go of anger and moving on:

Letting go of anger is a process that first involves acknowledging that 'if I am not ready…or if I can't do anything... or if I choose not to do anything directly about my anger, then I can work through my anger so that it does not continue to have a hold on me.' When we feel anger, it is stimulated by what we are thinking about at that moment. Usually our thoughts are very provoking such as... 'How could he or she have done this to me?' or 'What a ridiculous decision.' When we work through anger, our goal is to find other interpretations or conclusions so that our feelings of anger will be diminished when we think about the situation.

The process of working through and letting go of anger:

1. Begin by playing over the situation from start to finish with the goal of thoroughly understanding what really happened. When we are angry about a situation, our focus is often on one small piece or a "snapshot" of a much larger motion picture. A narrow focus limits our capacity to understand and therefore work through our anger. One way that we can expand our understanding is to talk or write about the situation in detail as though someone other than our self was explaining what went on.

2. Gain further understanding of the situation by asking yourself - "What are my real feelings about this situation?" Anger is an intense emotion. It often overshadows other feelings such as hurt, embarrassment, shame or guilt that we may be experiencing simultaneously. Having any of these feelings in response to something that has occurred in our lives is very normal and natural. There are times when some of the anger that we are experiencing is anger at our self for our mistakes or omissions.

3. Take a very close look at your own involvement - "Is there any way that I may have contributed to this situation?" Intense anger has a way of blinding us from seeing our own mistakes in a situation.

4. Observe weaknesses in yourself and others - one of the givens in life is that we all have strengths and we all have weaknesses. Recognizing the weaknesses of others involved in the incident can assist us in understanding how and why someone said or did something that angered us.

5. Ask yourself -"Is there a way that I can constructively deal with my feelings at this time?"- Even though time has gone by, it can be beneficial to address the situation directly, by honestly and respectfully communicating your feelings to the person involved. It can be very helpful to talk this over with a friend or family member first, for support and for another perspective. Many times dealing directly with the matter is not possible as the person involved is not accessible, may not be receptive or they may no longer be living. We can gain similar benefits by writing down our feelings as though we were talking to the person directly - write a letter but do not send it. Although this will not change the outcome of the situation, it commonly contributes to a sense of completion.

6. Think about how this experience has affected your views about life or people and ask - “Do I need to change my views?"

7. Drawing New Conclusions, Letting Go and Moving On.

Now that you have taken steps to broaden your understanding of the situation, you are prepared to make different conclusions about the situation, allowing you to let go of anger and move on.
8. Getting help with letting go: Sometimes situations of anger are not so straightforward or are long standing and may be difficult to sort out on your own. Many people benefit from meeting with a professional counselor to discuss positive strategies for managing anger and for assistance in work.