SEX AND ALCOHOL
Alcohol depresses the control centers of the brain. This results in temporary euphoria and in a relaxation of inhibitions. It also relaxes the customary self-control pertaining to sex. Alcohol frequently removes the barriers which normally check the overindulgence of sex. In reality sex is usually the “cause” and drinking is the “effect” or symptom. Alcoholism often stems from the inability to sustain an effective sexual relationship with a person of the opposite sex.
Many people who talk on the subject of sex problems feel obliged to explain that sex is basically good--that it is God's method of guaranteeing the reproduction of mankind. This startling information is usually supplied defensively, almost as if to combat the grim possibility that sex might be legislated out of existence if somebody doesn't present a worth-while case for it.
One should really plead for the right to discuss sex difficulties openly. Not to talk about sex and not to write in the sex inventory in Step 4 is a poor counterfeit of honesty. Truth is still mighty hard to find, and it's even harder to present. The Fourth Step is the most important as one arrives at its door full of guilt and remorse for all the bad things done--for example, being an unfaithful, not doing my job to the best of my ability and still expecting the highest rewards, and being unresponsive to other people's needs. One is totally self-centered, while at the same time others think that one is being a loyal, sweet, and good, but drinking and negative sexual behavior went hand in hand, practically from the beginning.
Many of us in AA need an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices, who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't.
What can we do about them as selfishness; self-centeredness is the root of our troubles?
The incidence of homosexuality, philandering and impotence is much higher in alcoholics. Their divorce rate is 4 times higher.
The alcoholic is unhealthily wrapped up in himself. He has trouble communicating with others in a meaningful way, including sexually. Sexuality is a whole system of conversation with signs and actions. The alcoholic is often the product of his inability to communicate. Otherwise he will not feel so lonely and isolated that he needs constant drinking for solace and escape. His crutch is drinking. Other similarly afflicted people may have turned to drugs, compulsive gambling, and hypochondriasis, psychotic depression overeating or any other escapes from reality.
In a way alcohol seems to act as an aphrodisiac or “love potion.” It may be considered so by nonalcoholic because one or two social drinks can heighten the desire and decrease inhibition. Shakespeare writes that “Drink provokes the desire, but takes away the performance,” A drunk looses muscular coordination, becomes sleepy and sloppy. He may black out. In sum, he is hardly an ideal sex partner.
More over, the alcoholic sex act is usually performed on the instinctive animal level. The woman is not made to feel like an individualized partner. If men could spend 10 minutes of tender words, loving words, gentle words, appreciative words, are worth twice as much as twice the time spent in silent pawing.
Sadly, the alcoholic reaches out for the closeness and reassurance of lovemaking and finds it unrewarding because of his drinking. As his drinking progresses the male alcoholic may become impotent. In the final stages of alcoholism even desire flees. There remains one mistress-the bottle. While the female alcoholic does not have to worry about becoming sexually impotent, she does loose her attractiveness and desirability.
The male is remarkably intolerant whose loud voice, weaving walk and tearful scenes attract smirking, pitying attention. The single woman finds it harder and harder to attract right kind of male attention. She finds herself hanging around bars, a prey to every pick up. She may black out and wake up in strange beds, unaware how she got there and end up in unwanted pregnancy. If she is married, she will drive away her husband by her sloppiness and neglect of her children. Finally she looses sexual interest.
Alcohol affects the whole spectrum of sex relations. In men drinking is triggered by sexual incompatibility. He feels guilty and blames her of infidelity. The cycle is vicious and endless. The female too have sexual troubles. She may need a drink to be less sexually inhibited so she can attract men. In extreme cases this type of man and woman may try to escape them through homosexuality or perversion.
Some Really Bad Choices as Lover for an individual in recovery:
One may still be tempted to chase a damaged or unavailable person to date or fall in love with, probably because they are unavailable. Members should realize that the prospects of a happy long-term love relationship are so low with the following types of people that it would be self-destructive to start dating or stay in a love relation with any of them:
- An active addict or alcoholic or other dysfunctional person who needs but is not in psychotherapy or a 12-step program, or both.
- Anyone in AA or any other 12-step program with less than a year of continuous sobriety.
- Anyone who I know (in my heart of hearts) is incapable of or unwilling to love me.
- Anyone who I know (in my heart of hearts) is not attracted to me sexually.
- Anyone who I know (in my heart of hearts) I am not attracted to sexually.
- Anyone living far away from me who has no present plan to move here, unless I have a present plan to move there (no long distance relationships),
- Anyone currently married to (or in a romantic relationship with) someone else, or still living with the "ex-lover,"
- Anyone who admits that she/he is emotionally unavailable.
- Anyone who has not previously been in love.
- Anyone terminally or mentally ill.
- Anyone involved in criminal activity.
To sum up about sex:
We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.
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